To the Editor:
I read with much interest Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman’s The Path to Happily Ever After in the Jan. ‘02 issue of the JO. Rabbi Wachsman has an entertaining style and provides informative and edifying insights and perspectives. He is clearly a most erudite and articulate talmid chochom.Nevertheless, I find it necessary to give voice to significant disagreement with both his premise and his proposal. V’es voheiv b’sufa.
Rabbi Wachsman asserts: “It is an established fact. The American approach to shidduchim in the non-Chassidic circles - the dating system, as it’s known - is a uniquely American phenomenon.”
It is not clear, at least to this reader, how this “fact” became so established. I do not see any historical evidence brought to bear here, and I question the assumption. To the best of my knowledge, the system of courtship practiced by my ancestors both in Eastern and Central Europe, bore strong resemblance to that which is in effect today. I have seen letters from my grandfather, a talmid muvhak of one of the great Lithuanian yeshivos, to his fiancee, my grandmother. It is instructive to read the letters and poems of one of the greatest of the Slabodker talmidim to and about his kallah(B’Ikvos ha’Yirah, pp. 199-200 and 262-263). The fervent nature of these relationships and their intense depths belie the notion of a superficial “parents agree, boy meets girl, they get engaged”Chassidic-type process that Rabbi Wachsman claims validated by history.
The question of historical precedent, however, is somewhat academic. I do not believe Rabbi Wachsman’s argument may even commence without a thorough, objective analysis of the state of love and marriage in our times. Such analysis is utterly lacking. Were it to occur, I believe even Rabbi Wachsman would concur that even our most Torah-true circles possess very Western ideals and values in love and marriage. I am not speaking of the negative ones - although these too affect us and we must acknowledge them - but positive ones, norms like close, partnering, and mutually supportive relationships.
There is a vast and fertile field of discussion that we might cultivate. We might analyze the unique, unprecedented, material, economic, social and psychological stresses that have never been faced before. We could honestly and objectively assess the impact of various educational and institutional advances and retreats over the last century. We should openly explore the impact of Zeitgeist. But I think we must admit and take into account the vast differences between the expectations that a contemporary couple has from marriage and those once harbored by a strictly Chassidic or otherwise isolated couple. Perhaps a citation from the Chofetz Chaim is not directly relevant today. In the intense and complex (and, we hope, rewarding and fulfilling) relationship that our contemporary couple will likely develop, many problems may arise if the marriage that lacks the proper premarital groundwork.
Even if one believes the entire milieu must change, this realignment cannot begin from the “dating” (I prefer “courtship”) process. It is first necessary to argue why the current state of love and marriage in our world that led to the current state of the courtship process should change. After such arguments have been made, other core issues, such as love before or after marriage, must be considered as well. If our society is then convinced that the new perspective is correct, then, and only then, may we advocate curtailing the courtship process.
Continuing to Rabbi Wachsman’s proposal, it seems to consist of two elements: More parental involvement and less face-to-face meetings. I question the former element: What is to be done with children of non-Orthodox, modern-Orthodox, or, for that matter, dysfunctional parents, who are either unused, unwilling, or unable, to engage in the extensive background checks and negotiations that underlie the Chassidic model espoused by Rabbi Wachsman? Are they to adhere, nonetheless, to the second element of Rabbi Wachsman’s proposal, or do we expect them to maintain the current “flawed” model? Furthermore (and more importantly), my sources suggest that even the most exhaustive background checks cannot substitute for direct exploration and work on the nascent relationship. Horror stories, of short-term divorces despite extensive “homework,” abound.
But my real problem is with the second element of Rabbi Wachsman’s proposal. Rabbi Wachsman cites several Gedolei Torah as advocating fewer meetings of shorter durations. Precise numbers are not forthcoming, but one senses that we are talking of no more than two to three “dates” of two to three hours each.
I do not wish to quibble on numbers. I have heard in the name of the Brisker Rav zt”l a “shiur” of no fewer than six meetings, and in the name of Rav Bick zt”l a minimum of eight. Still, numbers are relatively meaningless. It is the quality of the courtship process that should be our concern. The goals of that process should dictate its relevant length in each case. Rabbi Wachsman seems to hold that since “suitability” has been determined already by the parents, what remains is confirm that compatibility: To ensure that neither side reviles the other, and that both sides find their respective mates reasonably presentable. This may work for some Chassidic circles, but I do not believe it is sufficient for other circles. As we have noted, marriages, outside the most insular communities (which have issues of their own), are far more complex organisms than ever. Shalom Bayis issues are of a new and far more anxious sort. Laying the groundwork for them is commensurately more labor-intensive. I agree with Rabbi Wachsman that we must address the courtship process, and that we must check inappropriate behavior. It is far more important, however, to provide guidance as to how the process should proceed. Sometimes, pursuit of the proper foundation for marriage may require extending the process, not curtailing it.
Of course, it is up to each Rosh Yeshiva, Rav, Rebbe and Rebbitzen to give personal and specifichadrocho to their respective charges. However, since Rabbi Wachsman raised the issue, and did not resolve it in a way that meets the expectations of the average non-Chassidic couple, I think some general guidelines need be expressed. I would like to briefly outline the process, as I have learnt from my Rabbeim:
I think that the current perspective on the ideal marriage is captured by the Rambam in his commentary on Avos 1:6. The Rambam explains the mishna based on three levels of friendship: The lowest level is a friendship based on mutual benefit, such as the relationship of two business partners. The Rambam divides the next level in two: friendship based on pleasure, and friendship based on security - both comprise friendship based on a sense of equilibrium, but the latter sub-level is higher. Friendship based on security is such that each person finds in the other someone whom he can trust; someone with whom he can let down his defenses, and share all profound matters and innermost thoughts - good and bad - without fear. The highest level of friendship is of a lofty character - both friends yearn and aspire for true good and each helps the other in that quest. That last level is the type of friend that Yehoshua ben Perachia urges us to acquire.
It seems that the young man and young woman who are going through the courtship process should consciously try to use the process to ascend the Rambam’s ladder of friendship. The initial stages of courtship are much like “sounding out” a potential business partner: You go out to lunch and make small talk. Thus, the initial stage consists of such small talk between the prospective mates: Comings and goings, education, experiences, even “vertlach” and matters of general Hashkofo: “Getting to know you.” Little nuances - politeness, consideration, refined expression, sense of humor (or lack of it) etc. - are clues as to the suitability of the potential “partner.”
The next stage consists of the higher sub-level of the Rambam’s level two. The two individuals courting each other need to make a conscious effort to bring out and discuss intimate - even painful - emotional and experiential developments in themselves and in their counterparts. They each must take risks, yet simultaneously attempt to make the other feel safe and secure. Together they should share their exhilarating sensations of success and their demoralizing feelings of failures, their strengths and their weaknesses.
The final stage should flow naturally from the first and second stages. If a couple shares a generalHashkofo, then proceeds to feel open - yet secure - bonds, they should begin to sense that elusive “chemistry” that is the basis of Level Three. The merger of souls that grows throughout marriage has been well grounded. Rather than facing each other (figuratively), a couple should have a sense of common, united, directed advancement towards their complementary goals in Avodas Hashem andKiddush Shem Shomayim.
There is a considerable amount of Torah she’b’al Peh that can and should be added to this brief response. For example: Parents cannot forge such bonds in lieu of their children. Expecting such work to occur in either side’s living room may also be unfair - perhaps a neutral, public yet private, location is better suited for this avodah kosho she’ba’Mikdosh.
In short: The courtship process may be flawed, but not because of a lack of parental involvement nor because of some excessive time frame. These are superficialities, and their applicability is certainly not universal. We have not educated potential chassanim and kallos to apply the process of “K’nei lecha/lach Chaver(a)” to the goal of creating Rei’im Ahuvim. We (parents, educators and communal leaders, through both written and oral communication) need to counsel our young men and women (individually and collectively) about how their courtship - however short or long it takes - may comprise a solid foundation for the Bayis Ne’emon b’Yisroel.
May Hashem Yisborach grant us the wisdom to guide the next generation in this supremely important task of facilitating “Zachu ish v’isha, Shechina sheruyah beineihem.”
To the Editor:
I read with much interest Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman’s The Path to Happily Ever After in the Jan. ‘02 issue of the JO. Rabbi Wachsman has an entertaining style and provides edifying insights and perspectives. He is an erudite and articulate talmid chochom. Nevertheless, I find it necessary to give voice to significant disagreement with both his premise and his proposal. V’es voheiv b’sufa.
Rabbi Wachsman asserts: “It is an established fact. The American approach to shidduchim in the non-Chassidic circles - the dating system, as it’s known - is a uniquely American phenomenon.”
It is not clear, at least to this reader, how this “fact” became so established. I do not see any historical evidence brought to bear here. To the best of my knowledge, the system of courtship practiced in Eastern and Central Europe bore strong resemblance to that which is in effect today.
In any event, I think we must admit and take into account the vast differences between the expectations that a contemporary couple has from marriage and those once harbored by a strictlyChassidic or otherwise isolated couple. Even the most exhaustive background checks cannot substitute for direct exploration and work on the nascent relationship. Horror stories of short-term divorces, despite extensive “homework,” abound. In the intense and complex (and, we hope, rewarding and fulfilling) relationship that our contemporary couple will likely develop, many problems may arise if proper premarital groundwork for the life they will live together is lacking.
Even if one believes the entire milieu must change, this realignment cannot begin from the “dating” process. It is first necessary to argue why the current state of love and marriage in our world that led to the current state of the courtship process should change. After such arguments have been made, other core issues, such as love before or after marriage, must be considered as well. If our society is then convinced that the new perspective is correct, then, and only then, may we advocate curtailing the courtship process.
Continuing to Rabbi Wachsman’s proposal, it seems to consist of two elements: More parental involvement and less face-to-face meetings. I question the former element: What is to be done with children of non-Orthodox, modern-Orthodox, or, for that matter, dysfunctional parents, who are either unused, unwilling, or unable, to engage in the extensive background checks and negotiations that underlie the model espoused by Rabbi Wachsman?
But my real problem is with the second element of Rabbi Wachsman’s proposal. Rabbi Wachsman cites several Gedolei Torah as advocating fewer meetings of shorter durations. Precise numbers are not forthcoming, but one senses that we are talking of no more than two to three “dates” of two to three hours each. I do not wish to quibble on numbers. I have heard in the name of the Brisker Rav zt”l a “shiur” of no fewer than six meetings, and in the name of Rav Bick zt”l a minimum of eight. It is, however, the quality of the courtship process that should be our concern. The goals of that process should dictate its relevant length in each case. Rabbi Wachsman seems to hold that since “suitability” has been determined already by the parents, what remains is confirm that compatibility: To ensure that both sides find their respective mates reasonably presentable. This may work for someChassidic circles, but I do not believe it will work for the majority of the American Torah community.
The ideal marriage is captured by the Rambam in his commentary on Avos 1:6. The Rambamexplains the mishna based on three levels of friendship: The lowest level is a friendship based on mutual benefit, such as the relationship of two business partners. The Rambam divides the next level in two: friendship based on pleasure, and friendship based on security - both comprise friendship based on a sense of equilibrium, but the latter sub-level is higher. Friendship based on security is such that each person finds in the other someone whom he can trust; someone with whom he can let down his defenses, and share profound matters and innermost thoughts - good and bad - without fear. The highest level of friendship is of a lofty character - both friends yearn and aspire for true good and each helps the other in that quest. That last level is the type of friend that Yehoshua benPerachia urges us to acquire.
It seems that the courtship process should parallel the Rambam’s ladder of friendship. The initial stages of courtship are much like “sounding out” a potential business partner: You go out to lunch and make small talk. Thus, the initial stage consists of such small talk between the prospective mates: Comings and goings, education, experiences, even “vertlach” and matters of generalHashkofo. Little nuances - politeness, consideration, refined expression, sense of humor, etc. - are clues as to the potential partner’s suitability.
The next stage consists of the higher sub-level of the Rambam’s level two. The two individuals courting each other need to make a conscious effort to bring out and discuss intimate - even painful - emotional and experiential developments in themselves and in their counterparts. They each must take risks, yet simultaneously attempt to make the other feel safe and secure. Together they should share their exhilarating sensations of success and their demoralizing feelings of failures, their strengths and their weaknesses.
The final stage should flow naturally from the first and second stages. If a couple shares a generalHashkofo, then proceeds to feel open - yet secure - bonds, they should begin to sense that elusive “chemistry” that is the basis of Level Three. The merger of souls that grows throughout marriage has been well grounded. Rather than facing each other (figuratively), a couple should have a sense of common, united, directed advancement towards their complementary goals in Avodas Hashemand Kiddush Shem Shomayim. Whether realization of that high level relationship can precede or only follow marriage is an important question that does not lend itself to ready or uniform answer. (But may be a good topic for the prospective couple to discuss!) The general direction, however, is clearly along the Rambam’s road.
There is a considerable amount of Torah she’b’al Peh that can and should be added to this brief outline. For example: Generally, sustained “eye contact” leads to greater bonding. On the other hand, there are obvious tzeni’us issues that surround such intensity. There are doubts, real or imaginary issues of compatibility, expectations and dreams. While the prospective couple must deal with these “stumbling blocks,”a moreh (or moras) derech (rebbi, rebbitzen or other experienced mentor) is imperative.
This much seems clear: Parents cannot forge such bonds in lieu of their children. Expecting such work to occur in either side’s living room may also be unfair - perhaps a neutral, public yet private, location is better suited for this avodah kosho she’ba’Mikdosh.
In short: The courtship process may be flawed, but not because of a lack of parental involvement nor because of some excessive time frame. We have not educated potential chassanim and kallos to apply the process of “K’nei lecha/lach Chaver(a)” to the goal of creating Rei’im Ahuvim. We need to counsel our young men and women about how their courtship - however short or long it takes - may comprise a solid foundation for the Bayis Ne’emon b’Yisroel.